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Protecting the Gift: Keeping Children and Teenagers Safe (and Parents Sane) Kindle Edition
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Warning signs of sexual abuse
How to screen baby-sitters and choose schools
Strategies for keeping teenagers safe from violence
All parents face the same challenges when it comes to their children's safety: whom to trust, whom to distrust, what to believe, what to doubt, what to fear, and what not to fear. In this empowering book, Gavin de Becker, the nation's leading expert on predicting violent behavior and author of the monumental bestseller The Gift of Fear, offers practical new steps to enhance children's safety at every age level, giving you the tools you need to allow your kids freedom without losing sleep yourself. With daring and compassion, he shatters the widely held myths about danger and safety and helps parents find some certainty about life's highest-stakes questions:
How can I know a baby-sitter won't turn out to be someone who harms my child? (see page 103)
What should I ask child-care professionals when I interview them? (see page 137)
What's the best way to prepare my child for walking to school alone? (see page 91)
How can my child be safer at school? (see page 175)
How can I spot sexual predators? (see page 148)
What should I do if my child is lost in public? (see page 86)
How can I teach my child about risk without causing too much fear? (see page 98)
What must my teenage daughter know in order to be safe? (see page 191)
What must my teenage son know in order to be safe? (see page 218)
And finally, in the face of all these questions, how can I reduce the worrying? (see page 56)
- LanguageEnglish
- PublisherDell
- Publication dateMay 15, 2013
- File size1682 KB
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Editorial Reviews
Amazon.com Review
In this valuable, even necessary, book, he shatters many myths about the typical profiles of regular offenders and the prevalence of such problems as sexual abuse and kidnapping. He also deconstructs the wisdom of traditional maxims such as "Never talk to strangers" and "If you are ever lost, go to a policeman." Without offering a compendium of every conceivable danger, he identifies warning signals and real risks that are often easy to spot once you know what to look for. He offers practical advice on recognizing signs of sexual abuse, choosing a baby sitter or nanny, how to prepare kids for walking to school alone, and how to teach children about potential risks without making them afraid to venture out of the house. And he continually stresses that denial and ignoring intuition are the biggest mistakes that parents make in protecting their kids from those that mean them harm. Well written and infinitely informative, Protecting the Gift affords parents more confidence and less reason for unnecessary worry. --Shawn Carkonen
From Publishers Weekly
Copyright 1999 Reed Business Information, Inc.
From Booklist
Review
"A must for all parents raising children in an increasingly violent society."—FBI behavioral scientist Robert Ressler
"Everyone in contact with children should read this important book. It can help save lives."—Publishers Weekly, starred review
"Dynamic, inspiring and practical... and an entertaining and gripping read. This is a must read for every parent or anyone who cares for kids."—Ellen Snortland, author of Beauty Bites Beast: Awakening the Warrior Within Women and Girls
From the Trade Paperback edition.
From the Inside Flap
In his groundbreaking bestseller The Gift of Fear, Gavin de Becker showed millions of readers that like every creature on earth, human beings can predict violent behavior. Now, in Protecting the Gift, de Becker empowers parents to trust fully their own intuition when it comes to their children's safety.
In this indispensable resource, de Becker provides keen insights into the behavior and strategies of predators. He offers practical new steps to enhance children's safety at every age level: specific questions parents can ask to screen effectively and evaluate baby-sitters, day-care services, schools, and doctors; a "Test of Twelve" sa
From the Back Cover
About the Author
Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.
Friday was the one evening each week that Holly spent entirely with Kate, usually along with other mothers and their daughters met through Kate's school. This particular Friday, the plan was an early meal at a restaurant, followed by a movie. At dinner, the women were protective, as always, but they'd recently initiated a new freedom: letting the girls sit at a nearby table on their own. The tables were close enough for Holly to see that her daughter wasn't eating much—it interfered with talking—but she didn't bug Kate about that in front of her friends; she was eight now, old enough to be embarrassed.
If you took away their twenty-five-year age difference, Holly and her daughter were like twins: both slender with short dark hair and large blue eyes, both liked to talk and to laugh, and both loved movies. This particular Friday, their movie would be Jurassic Park. After dinner Holly decided to leave the car at the restaurant and take advantage of the extra-warm night by walking the two blocks to the theater with Kate. None of the other mothers chose to walk, one of them noting, "The sun will be down when we get out, and I don't want us to have to make our way back to the car in the dark." So Kate and Holly enjoyed the walk on their own.
At the theater, they joined the six other mothers and their seven daughters, who were already doing what Steven Spielberg has made worthwhile for millions of people: standing in line. A man ahead of them looked at Holly as if they knew each other. He was about thirty years old, tall and a little pudgy, with very short blond hair. He was wearing loose-fitting sweatpants and a too-small T-shirt with the words AFRAID OF THE DARK across the chest. Holly was sure they'd never met. Just as he appeared about to say something, she decided to turn away. At that moment, he asked her, "Ladies night out?"
"Uh-huh," Holly (sort of) responded. She was thinking about Jeff Goldblum, her favorite actor. To her, the dinosaurs would be only a distraction. The man had another question. Taking in all the mothers and daughters he asked, "What's the idea, safety in numbers?" Holly nodded, but she was thinking, Bug off. She wasn't sure why, but she knew she did not like him.
After the line, after the candy debates with the girls ("But we're still hungry!"), after the who'll-sit-next-to-who contest, and after all the mid-movie trips to the bathroom, the world was saved from prehistoric predators and the group was gathered in the lobby, saying goodnight. One of the other mothers offered Holly and Kate a ride to their car, but Holly declined: "It's just a couple of blocks and even after that film, I'm not afraid of the dark." As she heard herself saying those words, she felt apprehension about walking, just a soft whisper that said Don't—so she changed her mind and accepted the ride.
At that moment, Kate needed to use the bathroom (again), so the other girls piled into the van and waited. Keeping an eye on the bathroom door and an eye on the anxious-to-leave kids, Holly overruled that soft whisper and concluded that the logical thing to do was walk back to her car. It didn't make sense to keep everybody waiting, and anyway, she thought, I don't want to be one of those people who's scared to walk a couple of blocks.
She called out to the mother driving the van: "Hey, we'll just walk."
"You sure?"
"Yep." But the moment the van pulled out of the parking lot, Holly wasn't sure anymore. She was uneasy about that man, that man she didn't like in line. Not much to be concerned about, she told herself, but as she and Kate walked along the quiet street, past closed shops and empty parking lots, Holly felt something unfamiliar to her, but also unmistakable: fear, fear of that man. But she wondered why. Maybe he'd been within earshot when she'd declined the ride and registered that they'd be walking; that might be part of it. He appeared to be attending the movie alone, and that might have been part of it. He was intrusive and looked at her strangely, and that was definitely part of it, but even without knowing all the reasons, Holly listened to her fear. When Kate said something about their neighbor's dog looking like a dinosaur, Holly laughed but was really just taking an opportunity to throw her head back and look down the street. Bad news: That man was following them.
Should she run? Cross the street? Scream? Just as she started to consider these options, fear took over and said, in effect, Do what I tell you to do, and I'll get you both through this. Holly put her hand on Kate's arm and sped up slightly. Though she didn't know it, fear was readying her body for action: Blood flow in her arms and legs was increasing, lactic acid was heating up in her muscles, her vision was becoming more focused, her breathing and heartbeat more determined. To prepare her for any possibility, fear gave her a dose of the chemical cortisol. Cortisol would help her blood clot more quickly in the event of injury.
For a hundred yards, Holly tried not to let her daughter know there was a problem, but the child knew. "Mom, why—"
"There's a strange man following us and I want to get to the car in a hurry."
"Let's run!" Kate said adventurously, but Holly held her daughter's arm firmly in response. Fear had put a solid plan in her head: Do not run because then he'll have to run after you, and he'll be faster than you and Kate. When you reach the car, unlock it with the key instead of the remote control because the remote control would unlock all the doors and you want to unlock only one. Put Kate in the driver's-side door and have her climb over to her seat. Then get in yourself, lock the door, hold down the horn while starting the car, and drive away.
Most of that happened according to plan, but as she stood waiting for Kate to get across the inside of the car, the man was already at the passenger door. Holly looked directly at him over the roof of her car. Though no words were spoken, they were communicating. The man's communication was basically this: You are my victim, and Holly's response was, No, actually, I'm not.
Holly heard the latch as the man tried to open Kate's door: once, twice, and then he gave up. He walked calmly around toward the driver's-side door. By then, Holly was in her seat, watching him get closer. Before she could swing her legs into the car, the man was upon her. He was occupied mostly with trying to control her legs, which were kicking powerfully. Holly watched her own impressive resistance with some detachment because she was trying to figure out the origin of a constant loud noise.
Then she realized she was holding down the button for the car horn, just as fear had told her to do. Loud as it was, she still heard a soft whisper in her head: Ignition key.
While her legs kicked, she regarded the key, amazed to find herself thinking about sticking it into this man's eyes. She felt no great rush to act because his full attention was on trying to gain control of her uncontrollable legs, and that wasn't going to happen. Holly worried that he might have a gun, but fear interrupted her with an assurance she accepted: He does not. His face was right in front of her, and here is what Holly was thinking: I don't want to stick a key into someone's eye. I don't want to hurt him that badly. On the other hand, he obviously plans to hurt me, and I have to protect Kate. If I stick a key in his eye, he'll stop this, but I really don't want to blind a person. Obviously though, I'm not going to let him hurt Kate.
All this thinking was moot. That's because as Holly was going over her options, it turns out she already had stuck the key into the man's eye, and already had placed it into the ignition. She had already started the car, and the man was already sitting on the ground beside the open door doing what men do when something sharp is stuck in their eye.
The force of the car accelerating caused Holly's door to slam, and immediately, there was silence. That is when she stopped thinking about what to do and slowly realized she'd already done it.
"Mom, your seat belt's not on."
Holly took Kate's hand to reassure her that they were safe. Without any panic, she explained, "That man tried to get in our car without asking for permission, and I didn't let him. Do you understand?"
"I understand, but you forgot to put on your seat belt."
Holly put on her seat belt, amazed to see that her daughter had gotten into the car and followed the usual procedure, trusting that she was safe while her mother handled that man.
What an odd experience, Holly thought—not frightening or terrible, but almost calm. Too awful to imagine sticking a sharp object deep into someone's eye, but not, it turned out, so bad to actually do it. Each time she went over the experience, the word that came into her head was "natural." You attack me when I'm with my little girl, and you get the natural consequence. In fact, she thought the man got away kind of lucky because she could have stuck him in both eyes.
That's when she realized she had stuck him in both eyes.
When Holly recounted all this to me months after it occurred, we were standing in the hallway of a television studio where I'd just finished a news interview. I had discussed the fact that violence almost always has detectable pre-incident indicators that we recognize intuitively. Intuition sends many messengers to warn us, messengers such as doubt, suspicion, apprehension, and hesitation, but the most urgent—and often the most valuable—is fear. I had said that true fear is a gift because it is a survival signal that sounds in the presence of danger. "Of course, you're an expert on all that," I told Holly.
"Yes, I am," she said with some ...
From AudioFile
Product details
- ASIN : B00B6OVOHC
- Publisher : Dell; Reprint edition (May 15, 2013)
- Publication date : May 15, 2013
- Language : English
- File size : 1682 KB
- Text-to-Speech : Enabled
- Screen Reader : Supported
- Enhanced typesetting : Enabled
- X-Ray : Enabled
- Word Wise : Enabled
- Print length : 354 pages
- Page numbers source ISBN : 0440509009
- Best Sellers Rank: #433,241 in Kindle Store (See Top 100 in Kindle Store)
- #72 in Safety & First Aid (Kindle Store)
- #185 in Parenting Teenagers (Kindle Store)
- #267 in Safety & First Aid (Books)
- Customer Reviews:
About the author
Gavin de Becker is a three-time presidential appointee whose pioneering work has changed the way our government evaluates threats to our nation's highest officials. His firm advises many of the world's most prominent media figures, corporations, and law enforcement agencies on predicting violence, and it also serves regular citizens who are victims of domestic abuse and stalking. De Becker has advised the prosecution on major cases, including the O.J. Simpson murder trial. He has testified before many legislative bodies and has successfully proposed new laws to help manage violence.
Customer reviews
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Learn more how customers reviews work on AmazonCustomers say
Customers find the book informative and valuable. They appreciate the practical advice and real-world tips for keeping children safe. The writing style is described as easy to understand and well-written. However, opinions differ on the pacing - some find it fascinating and necessary, while others feel the subject matter is frightening.
AI-generated from the text of customer reviews
Customers find the book easy to read and engaging. They consider it a must-read for parents as it provides practical advice to keep children safe. The author is well-received, and the writing style is compelling.
"...This book can also help you begin an age-appropriate dialogue with your child, a dialogue that can and should mature as your child does...." Read more
"This book should be required reading for every parent, grandparent, nanny and childcare giver!..." Read more
"...Still, this is a powerful book. I read it without stopping for sleep, so I can assure you that it is indeed well written...." Read more
"...It is very interesting and encouraging to read about how to do that...." Read more
Customers find the book informative and practical. It provides useful advice, acronyms, and stories. The author does a good job of explaining con artist techniques. It helps shape conversations with kids and makes them feel more confident in their choices.
"...The advice given here is practical and easy to implement, whether you're looking for a baby sitter, wondering if those security guards at your kid's..." Read more
"...The book provides insight not only into what predators look for in a victim, it also gives concrete guidelines for preventing you and your child..." Read more
"...De Becker teaches us all new ways of thinking and new ways of being and new ways of protecting our children and ourselves from abuse, abduction,..." Read more
"...It is very interesting and encouraging to read about how to do that...." Read more
Customers find the book provides practical, real-world tips for keeping children safe. They say it's a must-read for parents, especially those who face fears of threats. The book dispels the myth of stranger danger and makes it less scary for young kids. It also helps them understand dangerous people, including deniers.
"...predators look for in a victim, it also gives concrete guidelines for preventing you and your child from become a victim...." Read more
"...us all new ways of thinking and new ways of being and new ways of protecting our children and ourselves from abuse, abduction, violence, crime...." Read more
"...and it's wonderful to be on the same page as far as safety and trusting other adults." Read more
"Highly informative & a must read to keep your children/family safe in this unsafe world" Read more
Customers find the writing style easy to understand and well-written. They describe the book as informative, well-organized, and practical. Readers mention it's a wonderful read and not easily put down.
"...The advice given here is practical and easy to implement, whether you're looking for a baby sitter, wondering if those security guards at your kid's..." Read more
"...without stopping for sleep, so I can assure you that it is indeed well written...." Read more
"I read it in two days. It’s well-written and compelling. One book that every parent who loves their child should read AT LEAST once...." Read more
"...Author is an incredible expert, who writes simply and easy to understand...." Read more
Customers find the book fascinating and informative with useful advice and stories. However, some readers feel the subject matter is frightening to face, and the book seems like fearmongering.
"...But despite the frightening theme and terrifying stories, I finished this book feeling empowered...." Read more
"...It is full of practical advice, useful acronyms and jolting stories...." Read more
"...His writing style makes it an easy read, but the stories he shares are somewhat unsettling because they are a parents worst nightmare...." Read more
"Gavin De Becker has compiled a very thorough, interesting, readable, and *essential* guide to keeping children safe in our world...." Read more
Top reviews from the United States
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- Reviewed in the United States on October 21, 2013De Becker writes that fear is a gift: it's that intuitive voice--gut feeling, hunch--that helps us recognize a potential threat and stay safe. As with most things in life, you want a balance: too little fear, and we miss out on warning signals that can keep us safe; too much fear, and we'll never know what is really a threat and what isn't.
De Becker's book achieves this balance masterfully. He doesn't shy away from painful and fear-inducing topics, but they are tempered with real world statistics that shed light on when our fears have a basis in fact, and when they don't. (Kidnapping by a stranger, for example, isn't nearly the threat you may think it is based on what you see in the media.) He helps us look at the hard truths, and then gives us expert guidance on dealing with those realities. The advice given here is practical and easy to implement, whether you're looking for a baby sitter, wondering if those security guards at your kid's school really make your kid safer, or don't know how to really determine if your child is ready to be left home alone. This book can also help you begin an age-appropriate dialogue with your child, a dialogue that can and should mature as your child does.
I'm writing this review as I'm finishing this book for the second time. A few years have passed since my first read, and as my daughter has gotten older, I'm taking away different things from this book. I'm less interested in choosing a babysitter, for example, and more interested in preparing my daughter to be out in the world on her own. Whatever age your child is, from toddler to young adult, there is information here that will benefit you and your family.
I think this book should be required reading for all parents and grandparents, and that it should be re-read on a regular basis. The information in this book is that important.
- Reviewed in the United States on August 8, 2012This book should be required reading for every parent, grandparent, nanny and childcare giver!
Gavin de Becker's Protecting the Gift focuses on a scary topic for anyone caring for kids. But despite the frightening theme and terrifying stories, I finished this book feeling empowered. The book provides insight not only into what predators look for in a victim, it also gives concrete guidelines for preventing you and your child from become a victim.
Any parent who thinks "It can't happen to us" should consider the sobering statics from the book: 1 in 3 girls and 1 in 6 boys have had sexual contact with a predator! And most of the time, the predator isn't a stranger, it is a family member, neighbor or friend.
Two of the most valuable aspects of this book for me include:
1. Trust your instincts. Mr. de Becker writes about this extensively, and how we are so conditioned to be polite we put ourselves at risk, even when our instincts warn us.
2. The Test of Twelve - the Twelve skills every child should have before they are permitted to venture out on their own. These skills really helped me define the line between free-range kids and helicopter parenting!
The only thing I wanted more of was how to teach my child some of the skills without scaring her. Advice on how to talk to my child about some of these concepts, such as when someone tells you don't tell, you must tell. It is likely that such conversations with children are outside of Mr. de Becker's expertise, and I will be researching some of the other materials that he references in the book for that level of information.
I sincerely hope that Mr. de Becker will consider writing an updated version to include social media - a growing issue and concern.
I cannot recommend this book enough. I listened to the unabridged audio version, but also own a hardcopy that I use as reference. I can tell you that I will be re-listening and re-reading this for many years.
Moving onto The Gift of Fear next . . .
- Reviewed in the United States on May 2, 2002I almost gave this book four stars, but only because it has a few flaws, where De Becker's THE GIFT OF FEAR was not only flawless, but taught me more than any one book has ever taught me. Still, this is a powerful book. I read it without stopping for sleep, so I can assure you that it is indeed well written.
De Becker shows parents and other adults every facet of possible victimization of children and how to avoid it. When he is teaching his readers, which is always, he uses brilliant examples that we can all relate to. Take this as an example: "I would ask which is sillier: waiting a moment for the next elevator, or placing her child and herself into a soundproof sterel chamber with a stranger she is afraid of?" Succinctly, he teaches, in that one sentence, so much. How many times have all of us pushed ourselves into an elevator with someone who made us afraid?
De Becker's challenge is to empower us as parents, and empower us he does, just as he empowered us in THE GIFT OF FEAR. He instructs us all on using our intuition to make life or death decisions. I can still recall a time when my son, then just very small, and I were staying at a luxurious hotel. We went to the top-floor pool and walked right into a burglary. How I managed to get myself and my son out of there calmly and completely is a testament to De Becker's lessons on the incredible strength of a mother whose baby is threatened.
De Becker teaches us all new ways of thinking and new ways of being and new ways of protecting our children and ourselves from abuse, abduction, violence, crime.
De Becker's appendices are worthwhile, too, with listings of excellent books and important organizations.
This is a book I would recommend to anyone who loves a baby, child, or adolescent.
Top reviews from other countries
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Suzanne DesjardinsReviewed in Canada on October 24, 2024
5.0 out of 5 stars Bon livre
Un livre très intéressant mais il faut savoir qu'il reprend de long extrait de "La peur qui vous sauve".
- IcanstopshoppinganytimeReviewed in Germany on August 2, 2023
5.0 out of 5 stars Must read book for parents
For parents who discount their intuition - any parent must read both Gift of Fear and this book.
-
TrucbiduleReviewed in France on May 22, 2013
5.0 out of 5 stars une lecture indispensable
Quand on est parent, la sécurité de ses enfants est une préoccupation majeure. Ce livre s'appuie sur des exemples concrets et donne des solutions faciles à mettre en œuvre. Il aide à prendre conscience de l'absurdité de certaines injonctions qu'on peut donner aux enfants : "ne parle jamais à des inconnus", "va faire la bise à la dame" etc. Surtout il nous apprend que l'enfant est un acteur important de sa propre sécurité, qu'il faut faire confiance à son instinct.
C'est vraiment un livre important à lire, même si le sujet abordé est anxiogène, l'approche de l'auteur n'est pas du tout alarmiste. Il montre qu'au final il est relativement facile de prendre les mesures nécessaires pour éviter autant que possible les prédateurs.
- StaceReviewed in the United Kingdom on December 14, 2012
5.0 out of 5 stars A must have...
This book is a 'must have' for all parents, and came as a real revelation to me! I just wish I'd had it years ago when my son was much younger. It gives you some really basic (but obvious) things to think about which as adults you take for granted, but it makes you think about things from a child's perspective.
Would highly recommend this book...
- JodeReviewed in Canada on November 2, 2024
5.0 out of 5 stars I'm half way through and learning a lot
A great book that I will recommend