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Scott Burtness
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An Oracle Walks into a Bar: A darkly funny shapeshifter urban fantasy (The Misadventures of a Paranormal Post-Relationship Personal Effects Repossession Specialist Book 1) Kindle Edition

by Scott Burtness (Author) Format: Kindle Edition
4.3 4.3 out of 5 stars 129 ratings
See all formats and editions

When a horoscope-writing oracle hires shapeshifter August Shade to repo her magic eyeball, he knows the job is going to suck. One, he hates horoscopes. Two, he hates people that read horoscopes. Three, she hasn’t even lost her eyeball… yet.

August Shade has found his niche. The cynical shapeshifter knows all too well that most relationships don’t last. He also knows that after a messy breakup, most people–human or otherwise–just want two things: their stuff, and to never see their ex again. For a reasonable fee, August can help. He’s a post-relationship personal effects repossession specialist. Satisfaction not guaranteed, but at least you’ll have your favorite whatever back.

Vilde Tank has found her destiny. Guided by her horoscopes, the huldra hires August to reclaim an unusual book. It reveals the secret of the Zodiac’s thirteenth sign, bestows its reader with the power to write their own future, and is currently in the possession of her vampire ex-lover.

Clarissa Steyer has found her calling. The oracle writes horoscopes for the local paper. Her celestial predictions help keep the world spinning. Now August is in all of her visions and the world might be coming to an end. She knows that the shapeshifter can change into a lot of things, but can he change the future?

Plagued by the oracle’s horoscopes, haunted by a dark past, and grappling with his penchant for making bad decisions, the only sure thing about August’s future is that it looks short.

***

An Oracle Walks into a Bar is a great read for fans of Jason Pargin (John Dies at the End), Dan Willis (Arcane Casebook), Margaret Lashley (Moth Busters), and Douglas Adams (A Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy).

Other titles in the series include: A Scarecrow Wins an Award and A Siren Sings Her Heart Out.

Other books by Scott Burtness include: Wisconsin Vamp, Northwoods Wolfman, and Undead Cheesehead.

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  1. Book 1 of 3
    The Misadventures of a Paranormal Post-Relationship Personal Effects Repossession Specialist
  2. Print length
    217 pages
  3. Language
    English
  4. Sticky notes
    On Kindle Scribe
  5. Publication date
    September 3, 2021
  6. File size
    8360 KB
  7. Page Flip
    Enabled
  8. Word Wise
    Enabled
  9. Enhanced typesetting
    Enabled
  10. See all details
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Editorial Reviews

Review

"The writing is sharp and funny—think the 'Hitchhiker's Guide,' only paranormal. If you read only one book about a shape-shifting Post-Relationship Personal Effects Repossession Specialist this year, make it 'An Oracle Walks Into a Bar.'"
-- Andrew Shaffer, NYTimes bestselling author of "Hope Never Dies: An Obama Biden Mystery"

Product details

  • ASIN ‏ : ‎ B09DBX5RDT
  • Publisher ‏ : ‎ Scott Burtness (September 3, 2021)
  • Publication date ‏ : ‎ September 3, 2021
  • Language ‏ : ‎ English
  • File size ‏ : ‎ 8360 KB
  • Text-to-Speech ‏ : ‎ Enabled
  • Screen Reader ‏ : ‎ Supported
  • Enhanced typesetting ‏ : ‎ Enabled
  • X-Ray ‏ : ‎ Not Enabled
  • Word Wise ‏ : ‎ Enabled
  • Sticky notes ‏ : ‎ On Kindle Scribe
  • Print length ‏ : ‎ 217 pages
  • Customer Reviews:
    4.3 4.3 out of 5 stars 129 ratings

About the author

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Scott Burtness

Scott Burtness

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Folks say you should write what you know. That’s damned good advice, so I write about ordinary Midwesterners making an extraordinary mess of things. Hey- if the flannel fits…

Oh, one more thing. “Ordinary” totally includes vampires, werewolves, zombies, witches, shapeshifters, aliens and more!

Customer reviews

4.3 out of 5 stars
4.3 out of 5
129 global ratings

Top reviews from the United States

Roxanna Gadjieva
5.0 out of 5 stars This is really good
Reviewed in the United States on April 22, 2024
Verified Purchase
I am very pleasantly surprised with this book. The language is excellent, the characters alive and, oh, so recognizable and human, the humor is all there. I love this book and think you will love it too. Btw, who said romanse is all dead? It can be found in PN humor stories! Thanks to the author.
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Alicia Castro
4.0 out of 5 stars the new cover is sooo bad
Reviewed in the United States on August 31, 2023
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sad they went in this direction
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Amazon Customer
5.0 out of 5 stars Fun and Funny Paranormal Misadventure
Reviewed in the United States on September 15, 2021
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Another entertaining paranormal misadventure from the mind that brought you Wisconsin Vamp, Undead Cheesehead and Northwoods Wolfman. The first person POV character August is snarky and funny as hell. He's a "Post-Relationship Personal Effects Repossession Specialist" in other words, the guy you hire when you want that signed Oasis CD back from your ex. August is also a PN, or paranormal. A shapeshifter. Which is handy when you're hunted by Air Elementals, Succubi, Bridge Trolls and Necromancers with terrible fashion sense. There's more supernatural characters in this book than you can shake a Wand of Wonder at. The story takes place in Minneapolis, Minnesota so grab your flannel and a pop and... well, I couldn't think of a way to tie Diablo Cody into this review, but managed to do it anyway.

This is a fun quick read with excellent writing. And seriously, if you enjoy this book, then make sure to check out the rest of Scott Burtness' work.
6 people found this helpful
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Amanda Little
3.0 out of 5 stars enjoyable, quick read
Reviewed in the United States on May 15, 2022
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Unique plot, but I was always waiting for the character to be more like able or redeemable. and then I started having a hard time believing his extraordinary luck with everything
4 people found this helpful
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Amazon Customer
5.0 out of 5 stars An exceptionally good read!!!!
Reviewed in the United States on November 23, 2021
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This book really caught me off guard in a good way! It's witty and touching, with fun characters and unique situations. I highly recommend it! I cannot wait until the next book!
One person found this helpful
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K. Stevens
5.0 out of 5 stars Clever and engaging.
Reviewed in the United States on December 7, 2021
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A good book. The characters are engaging and the humor isn't stupid.
One person found this helpful
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Jenn Hall
5.0 out of 5 stars Wow. Just wow.
Reviewed in the United States on December 23, 2021
Verified Purchase
That was a whirlwind. Besutifully narrated, word pictures painting clear scenes. I saw it all, as if I were reading Douglas Adams. And as supernatural and weird as the whole story was, I believed all of it. Can't wait for more.
2 people found this helpful
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Julie Hagan Bloch
2.0 out of 5 stars Sad.
Reviewed in the United States on November 9, 2021
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I got about two thirds of the way through the book and then skipped to the last chapter. It was just too sad; I couldn't bear to read it all the way through. The author is good -- he makes you care about the characters... which is why I couldn't stand to read through the whole story of all the pain they go through. Bummer.😟
6 people found this helpful
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Top reviews from other countries

Dean Baker
5.0 out of 5 stars Weird, wacky and entertaining
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on October 19, 2021
Verified Purchase
Another solid effort from Scott Burtness. It's in the same style as the excellent Monsters in the Midwest series (if you haven't read it, check out Wisconsin Vamp, Northwoods Wolfman and Undead Cheesehead) but probably turns the weirdness up a notch. Full of wacky otherworldly, supernatural characters and a protagonist whose just the right side of sleazy, lazy and slightly obnoxious but still sympathetic. August Shade is a post relationship property recovery specialist. If your ex won't give back your Van Halen T-Shirt or Simpson's mug, he's the guy you call. Except he gets a call to repossess an item that could just bring about the end of the world, from a client he cannot refuse on pain of death. As usual, the author resolves this situation with bags of humour and fantastical action sequences. Recommended.
Customer image
Dean Baker
5.0 out of 5 stars Weird, wacky and entertaining
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on October 19, 2021
Another solid effort from Scott Burtness. It's in the same style as the excellent Monsters in the Midwest series (if you haven't read it, check out Wisconsin Vamp, Northwoods Wolfman and Undead Cheesehead) but probably turns the weirdness up a notch. Full of wacky otherworldly, supernatural characters and a protagonist whose just the right side of sleazy, lazy and slightly obnoxious but still sympathetic. August Shade is a post relationship property recovery specialist. If your ex won't give back your Van Halen T-Shirt or Simpson's mug, he's the guy you call. Except he gets a call to repossess an item that could just bring about the end of the world, from a client he cannot refuse on pain of death. As usual, the author resolves this situation with bags of humour and fantastical action sequences. Recommended.
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Ziggy Nixon
5.0 out of 5 stars A superb Urban Fantasy romp that's as funny as the "Wisconsin Vamp" books!
Reviewed in France on September 6, 2021
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What a hilarious and exciting new story from author Scott Burtness! This one had that special 'all the things and the possessed kitchen sink' feeling to it! My skull is still throbbing with overusage! It must not be easy to start a new series like this but as Burtness showed with his "Monsters in the Midwest" trilogy - which is an absolute MUST READ for all you people out there that like your creepies creepy, your mysteries mysterious and your cheeseheads undead (um, ok) - he has some truly unique linguistic skills in putting together a complex yet still immensely amusing AND 'I didn't see that coming' kind of plot. He uses some pretty cool and subtle ways of keeping us on our toes about what is happening and what is to come! And what is perhaps even more impressive is that along the way, he doesn't take the easy way out in terms of picking characters nor the situations they find themselves in.

There's truly a great bit of plotting and writing in there because Burtness brings in more paranormal types into his story than I've seen since the third - and best imho - chapter of his own 'how I became famous' Wisconsin Vamp et. al. trilogy. Except for aliens. He left out the aliens this time. We'll have to see about that. Key for me though was that the plot is exceptionally AND deliciously weird. First of all, one of the main players isn't even sure which reality she's interacting with (think Avengers: Endgame and having someone constantly doing that weird Dr.Strange counting realities thing). And just about the time I!!! thought I had sussed out where the story was heading , we get a surprising yet wonderfully handled climatic battle scene that I'll be working out for weeks to come! Great stuff!
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