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Please, Sorry, Thanks: The Three Words That Change Everything Kindle Edition
“A practical framework to be the kind of thoughtful, helpful force for good you always wanted to be.”—Carey Nieuwhof, founder of the Art of Leadership Academy
The best predictor of success in life, in love, and in leadership is your proficiency at please, sorry, and thanks. Those three words are the foundation of all healthy relationships and successful careers. Those three words are the only ceiling on achieving your dreams. Those three words will determine how happy you are.
With his trademark blend of personal stories, scientific and historical references, and biblical insight, Pastor Mark Batterson shows how you can change your world with your words:
• A timely please can help you unlock the rule of reciprocity for greater results, discover the power of “we is greater than me,” and honor others above yourself.
• A sincere sorry can lead you to mend broken relationships, strengthen connections through being radically vulnerable, and better understand the degrees of forgiveness.
• A heartfelt thanks paves the way toward a resilient mindset of gratitude and an expectancy to see God move on your behalf.
Whether you’re launching out into a new phase of life or navigating long-established complexities, it's time to harness the power of those three transformative words and let them propel you wherever God leads you to go.
- LanguageEnglish
- PublisherMultnomah
- Publication dateApril 4, 2023
- File size15384 KB
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Editorial Reviews
Review
“Powerful, moving, and needed! With just three little words, Mark Batterson will change your perspective on just about everything from your faith to your relationships to the way you speak to yourself.”—Dr. Anita Phillips, trauma therapist and author of The Garden Within
About the Author
Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.
There You Are
It’s not about you. —Rick Warren, The Purpose Driven Life
Jennie Jerome, Winston Churchill’s mother, oncedined with two of Britain’s prime ministers on back-to-back evenings. When asked her impression of each, she said of William Gladstone, “When I left the dining room after sitting next to Gladstone, I thought he was the cleverest man in England.” After dining with Benjamin Disraeli? “I left feeling that I was the cleverest woman.”
William Gladstone was good at projecting his charismatic personality, and there is nothing inherently wrong with that. We naturally want to put our best foot forward. Benjamin Disraeli was good at drawing water out of other people’s wells. He brought the best out of others. The difference? Gladstone was self-focused, while Disraeli was others-focused. “Talk to people about themselves,” said Disraeli, “and they will listen for hours.”
My spiritual father, Dick Foth, says there are two kinds of people in the world. The first kind of person walks into a room and internally announces,Here I am. They are pretty impressed with themselves. Their ego barely fits through the door. It’s all about me, myself, and I. The second kind of person? They walk into a room and internally announce,There you are. They check their ego at the door. It’s all about everyone else. Their objective is adding value.
Which one are you?
Are you a here I am person?
Or are you a there you are person?
People who try to impress others are unimpressive. What’s really impressive is someone who isn’t trying to impress anyone at all. In the same vein, the most interesting people are those who take a genuine interest in others. They ask lots of questions, and they follow up with “Tell me more!”
The famous apologist Francis Schaeffer said, “If I have only an hour with someone, I will spend the first 55 minutes asking questions and finding out what is troubling their heart and mind, and then in the last 5 minutes I will share something of the truth.” Schaeffer understood the virtue of listening. His wife, Edith, described him as having a ministry of conversation.
Did you know that Teddy Roosevelt read, on average, a book a day? And that was while serving as president. How did he do it? For starters, he wasn’t watching TV or surfing social media! There were far fewer distractions a century ago, but I don’t think he’d read any less if he were alive today. Why? Roosevelt had a holy curiosity about all of God’s creation, and reading was his way of researching. Roosevelt prepared for guests, prepared for conversations, by doing his homework. What if we approached relationships, approached conversations, that way? We’d talk about the weather a whole lot less!
Are you living at a conversational pace? And when you have a conversation, do you do more talking or listening? I’ve had people fly across the country to spend an hour with me, and I couldn’t get a word in edgewise. Trust me—I love hearing people’s stories. But I was left wondering why they wanted to talk to me. I guess they literally wanted to talk!
Here’s a thought: God gave us two ears and one mouth—use them in that proportion! What does that have to do withplease? Please, like listening, is others-focused. It’s asking for permission, which empowers the other party. It puts them in the captain’s chair.
Author and professor Adam Grant made a distinction between givers and takers. Takers have a scarcity mindset. They tend to be self-focused:Here I am. It’s a dog-eat-dog world, and their primary interest is self-interest. Givers have an abundance mindset—what goes around comes around. Their objective is adding value to others: There you are.
Givers and takers have diametrically opposed metrics of success. For a taker, whoever has the most toys at the end of the game wins. It’s all about getting what’s theirs. A giver doesn’t just love to give; they live to give. In the words of martyred missionary Jim Elliot, “He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain that which he cannot lose.”
My friend Brad Formsma wrote I Like Giving. It’s the gold standard when it comes to generosity. It’s all about inspiring people to be generous with their thoughts, words, money, time, attention, belongings, and influence. It was Brad who introduced me to Stanley Tam, the founder of the United States Plastic Corporation. When I met Stanley, he was well into his nineties and had given more than $120 million to kingdom causes. Over dinner he said something I’ll never forget: “God’s shovel is bigger than ours.” In other words, you can’t outgive God. Then he said something else that was simple yet profound: “God can’t reward Abraham yet, because his seed is still multiplying.”
What if we viewed words the way we view money?
What if we saw our words as gifts?
What if we were generous with life-giving words?
“Whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine,” Jesus said, “you did for me.” This is the transitive property applied to generosity. You can’t bless others without blessing God. Life-giving words are the gift that keeps on giving.
How do you know whether you’re a giver or a taker? Your itemized deductions for charitable giving are a pretty good indicator, but the most significant clue may be pronouns. Yes, pronouns.
Pronouns—and other function words like articles andprepositions—“account for less than one-tenth of 1 percent of your vocabulary but make up almost 60 percent of the words you use.” Pronouns are little words, but they have subtle power. “Since takers tend to be self-absorbed,” said Adam Grant, “they’re more likely to use first-person singular pronouns like I, me, mine, my, and myself—versus first-person plural pronouns likewe, us, our, ours, and ourselves.” In a study of CEOs who were extreme takers, 39 percent of their first-person pronouns were singular.
There is a fascinating branch of psychology that analyzes word usage to gain psychological insight. Professor James Pennebaker created a software program called Linguistic Inquiry and Word Count, and he has used it to analyze everything from song lyrics to terrorist correspondence. The FBI asked Pennebaker to study al-Qaeda’s communications—letters, videos, interviews. He discovered that Osama bin Laden’s use of personal pronouns likeI, me, and mine stayed close to baseline over time. But he saw a dramatic spike in the use of those words by bin Laden’s second-in-command, Ayman al-Zawahiri. “This dramatic increase,” said Pennebaker, “suggests greater insecurity, feelings of threat, and perhaps a shift in his relationship with bin Laden.”
In the world of politics, there are two primary ways to rally the troops. First, you can focus on acommon enemy and demonize those who dare disagree with you. This approach is incredibly effective if your goal is inciting negative emotions such as fear, hate, and anger. It may win some votes, but it further divides people intome versus you. Rabbi Jonathan Sacks calls it pathological dualism—it prejudges people as “unimpeachably good” and “irredeemably bad.” The reality? “The line dividing good and evil,” said Alexander Solzhenitsyn, “cuts through the heart of every human being.” The common enemy approach is a zero-sum game.
The second way is to celebrate our common humanity—the image of God in me greets the image of God in you. It levels the playing field by humanizing one another. Few people were more effective than Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., who appealed to common values, common ideals, and common sense. “Hate cannot drive out hate,” said Dr. King, “only love can do that.” What is your bent—common enemy orcommon humanity?
These two approaches lead to very different destinations, and pronouns are where the road divides. Instead ofme versus you, a common-identity approach turns me into we.
As a leader, I pay close attention to pronouns. If I’m using a lot of first-person singular pronouns, it may indicate that I’m leading from a place of insecurity. I’m too focused on protecting my ego. I want more credit than I deserve. We flip that script by using plural pronouns that make it about we, not me. “It is amazing what you can accomplish,” said President Harry Truman, “if you don’t care who gets the credit.”
When testosterone levels go up, our use of social pronouns—we, us, they, them—goes down. Why? We become more task-oriented and less relationship-oriented, which often means that relationships are sacrificed for the sake of the goal. It’s my way or the highway. Get on the bus or get run over by it.
Are you a me person?
Or are you a we person?
Self-centered leaders take the credit and shift the blame.
Others-focused leaders give the credit and take the blame.
Product details
- ASIN : B0B5ST3N8Y
- Publisher : Multnomah (April 4, 2023)
- Publication date : April 4, 2023
- Language : English
- File size : 15384 KB
- Text-to-Speech : Enabled
- Screen Reader : Supported
- Enhanced typesetting : Enabled
- X-Ray : Enabled
- Word Wise : Enabled
- Sticky notes : On Kindle Scribe
- Print length : 170 pages
- Page numbers source ISBN : 0593192796
- Best Sellers Rank: #258,570 in Kindle Store (See Top 100 in Kindle Store)
- #637 in Personal Growth & Christianity
- #1,011 in Motivational Self-Help (Kindle Store)
- #1,291 in Christian Spiritual Growth (Kindle Store)
- Customer Reviews:
About the author
Mark Batterson serves as lead pastor of National Community Church in Washington, DC, one church with multiple locations. NCC also owns and operates Ebenezers Coffeehouse, The Miracle Theatre, the DC Dream Center, and Capital Turnaround as gathering places for the community and funding for Kingdom causes. Mark serves as lead visionary for The Dream Collective, which equips and supports dreamers who long for revival in the church, reformation in the kingdom, and renaissance in culture. Mark holds a Doctor of Ministry degree from Regent University and is the author of 23 books including the New York Times bestselling The Circle Maker as well as In a Pit with a Lion on a Snowy Day, Wild Goose Chase, Double Blessing, Whisper, and, most recently, Win the Day and Do it for a Day. Mark is married to Lora and they live on Capitol Hill. They have three children: Parker, Summer (married to Austin), and Josiah.
Learn more at www.markbatterson.com.
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This book explores the hidden power of these three, crucial words. It is helpful for anyone looking to live a life of humility and gratitude, and helps readers grow in emotional intelligence. As a leader, I am looking forward to going through this material with our team as well because the principles in this book are transferable to so many areas of life. Truly an exceptional book!
Like his other books that I have read, he tells you about studies and stories that go along with the point he is making.
He takes those and draws you back to Scripture.
The book is easy to read, but will give you a lot to think about as well.
If you have read Batterson's other books, you should recognize the fingerprints of his writing quite well. He employs a storytelling style characterized by humorous quips, vulnerable personal examples, and quirky anecdotes that connect seemingly disparate ideas into vivid illustrations of the concepts he is bringing to life. (This latter quality of Batterson's writing is most clearly seen in the Win the Day, but is also evident to a lesser extent in this book.) A unique feature of this book, which is a departure from his usual style, is his use of a more authoritative, journalistic approach. He cites many researchers and studies throughout the book meant to provide some empirical legitimacy to the claims he is making about the power of our thoughts and words in shaping behavior and worldview. As an academic, I found this aspect of the book a little underdeveloped and lacking the intellectual punch you would get from reading other works built on a strong foundation of validated research (e.g., Malcolm Gladwell, Susan Cain, Steven Johnson). His descriptions of the science behind his ideas are not wrong, but they do not have the surgical precision I would expect to see in order to make the jump from the theories to the examples they are meant to explain. As a reader, I was sometimes frustrated as Batterson bounced around between anecdotal sound bytes, puns, and underdeveloped explanations of complex psychological theories rather than leaning on his unique style of intimate, personable storytelling that I have come love in his books. It seems to me, and I could be wrong, that Batterson ventured into a new style of writing that both challenged and overwhelmed him at times. As a writer, I appreciate this and encourage him to keep stretching himself in new directions and methods of conveying his convictions.
There has never been a need for civil discourse more than now. Our beliefs about religion, politics, parenting, finance, and the health of the planet have never been (in my experience) this fractured. Seeing an increase in the words Please, Sorry, and Thanks as a solution to these massive issues dangling over society is a simplistic fallacy, but it may be a good starting place. Change begins with the individual, and we are guided by our thinking. Mark is right, words create worlds, and we must put aside ideological strongholds if we are going to work together to address our problems. Please, Sorry, and Thanks opens the door and invites us to sling less rocks at the other side and carefully examine the boulders that may be weighing us down. Overall, I enjoyed reading this book but I did not find it as impactful as Batterson's other works. I'm OK with this and cheer him on for trying something new. The premise of the book is timely and useful, and if the reader is open to experiencing something unexpected from a well-established author, they may just find the words to start creating their own new world.
Lord help me to be humble and wise enough to say Please, and Sorry, and Thanks from my heart.